Not even close

For whatever reason, I have been watching a lot of Lydia's Italy on PBS on the weekends. I love her! She always has yummy recipes and many of them are surprisingly simple and easy. Makes me long for an Italian grandmother to call my very own.

A couple of weeks ago, she was making an Italian white bean and kale soup. It sounded so good! I'm the only one in my household that likes soup at all, and I could, and have in the past, eat it everyday. Well a few days later, I was watching the tail end of the Rachel Ray show and watched her make a variation of the same soup. At that point I decided I had to make this soup for myself. I didn't have any of the correct ingredients and I couldn't go to the store, so I began poking around my kitchen. I didn't have pancetta, but I did have smoked turkey sausage links. I didn't have white beans, but I did have dark red kidney beans. I didn't have kale, but I did have spinach. I had a lot of red potatoes, so I decided to add them as well. After it came up to simmer, I tasted the low sodium chicken broth I had put into the soup and realized it didn't have much flavor, so I added a cup or so of V8 juice and some red pepper flakes.

Long story short, the soup turned out great and I was able to portion it into individual containers and freeze it for when soup just sounds good. Soup freezes so well, fyi. I don't think I will ever be able to go back to canned soups ever again.

It's always nice when a plan comes together!...?

Apparently, it can also be wonderful when nothing comes out the way you intended at all.

Silly life lessons...they always turn up in the darnedest places.

Weekend wonderland

We took our children to see the snow for the very first time in their lives this weekend. It had been a long time since I had been in the snow myself! A big storm had been in the forecast for Friday night, and since it was raining so hard here all week, my oldest had her soccer game cancelled. We decided it would be a great opportunity to let the kids get their first taste of snow.

We arrived in Prescott just as the first snowflakes began to fall. The kids were so excited! It snowed all night and the next morning we were able to play in a few inches of powder from the front yard. My cousin-in-law was gracious enough to let us stay with them and to help us find a great place to have some sledding fun Saturday afternoon.

We found a great little spot with a foot or two of fresh powder and a gentle incline. The guys created this luge-type run for the sled. The girls were so adorable, laughing and screaming through each ride.

Then....the boys got bored....

They found a steeper hill from which to slide. I can't resist posting my husband's amazing journey. Granted it was far funnier to watch in person, but this video still makes me smile every time. Enjoy, kids!

A Love Story

I have been a stay-at-home mom for over 5 years.

After a while I began to realize how much I sucked at it. I didn't know a thing about a new baby, and housework may as well be the death of me. As a person with perfectionist tendencies, doing the same job, day in and day out, without recognition, without vacation time, without a finish line, this job has had it's share of days of making me crazy.

So every once in a while, the kids will spend the night with family and my husband and I will have the night and the house to ourselves. I'm supposed to love it, I guess, but the truth is I hate not seeing their little sleeping faces in those little beds. They may not be babies anymore, but they still look like those same tiny people I would rock to sleep and watch over in their cribs.

As their mother, I have been given the duty of protecting them and helping them through life. But the truth is they are helping me far more than I help them. They have not just made my life better, they have truly saved it.

Every decision I make is based on thoughts of them, thoughts of their father, of us as a unit. I hate to think of my life without them. So I suppose I am writing this to remind me now and always that they are my life. Not because they have to be, not because I am obligated, but because I need to attempt to repay my debt to them for all they have done for me.

So one day, if this blog still exists, and they are reading it, they will know that being my kids has a far deeper meaning than might appear at the surface of our relationship.

I need to thank them more for that. Being grateful isn't about saying thank you, it's about living the thank you.

Thank you to my beautiful children for being yourselves. Thank you to my husband for sharing this gift with me. I love you. All.

Lyrics by Mariah Carey, James Horner, Will Jennings

Where are you Christmas
Why can't I find you
Why have you gone away
Where is the laughter
You used to bring me
Why can't I hear music play

My world is changing
I'm rearranging
Does that mean Christmas changes too

Where are you Christmas
Do you remember
The one you used to know
I'm not the same one
See what the time's done
Is that why you have let me go

Christmas is here
Everywhere, oh
Christmas is here
If you care, oh

If there is love in your heart and your mind
You will feel like Christmas all the time

I feel you Christmas
I know I've found you
You never fade away
The joy of Christmas
Stays here inside us
Fills each and every heart with love

Where are you Christmas
Fills your heart with love

Growing pains

Personal growth is never easy. Lately for me, it has been down right painful. I find it pretty amusing that at the end of my 20s, I am now seeking maturity, trying to really nail down what I want to be when I grow up, and really find my purpose for being on this planet. It's like reliving those high school days all over again...a crossroads, so to speak. You knew some big changes were coming, but you had no idea what that really meant.

In all of my reading lately, I have realized how crucial purpose is. Life is nothing without it. It's like trying to drive a car without gas...you won't get too far. I have been an at-home mom for several years now, and I have been to the bottom and back during that time. I have been walking in circles long enough, and I am ready for a change. Change can be scary. Change can be hard, even painful at times, but it is a necessity in growth. Growth has been hard for me because it means changing habits and really looking at yourself; the good, bad, and ugly of it all. But you have to realize and accept all of it and own it to make change possible. I do want to be a better mother, wife, daughter, sister and friend and I will be striving for that for the rest of my life...one can always be better today than they were yesterday. But what I am really looking to be, is a better me. More accepting, more forgiving, more focused, more centered....of me. Then of others in my life who deserve my best. I am finally ready, for the first time in my life to stare down greatness....in the mirror.

Just call me the Grinch

Why I hate....errr, strongly dislike Christmas.
Second only to Valentine's day, Christmas, in my humble opinion, is one of the worst displays of American holiday commercialism. I am sad to hate Christmas, but I think it is out of control and completely lost it's way. I think this recession has really done me some good because it is making me want a purpose for everything. Even if you are one that is inclined to strip Christmas of any religious meaning, it was once a day to spend with family, doing what you enjoy with the people you enjoy being with.

Now, at least to me, it has become a parade of bombarding newspaper ads and 'great deals' and about getting gifts and doing crazy things in order to get your child the latest and greatest toy so they can have what other kids have. Seriously, parents who trample people down to get their hands on something probably made of plastic...seriously?

I think I have personally lost my meaning of Christmas. We have no real traditions in our families. Maybe that's the problem. So I think I will be spending this next year thinking of ways I can make Christmas more meaningful for myself and my children. I want a core to this holiday that is bigger than exchanging gifts and baking cookies. (We do all of that now.)
What are your Christmas traditions? (fyi: I may steal it.)

Pain

Pain is universal. It is without prejudice. It comes in many forms. It is dark. It is enlightening. And sometimes when you think you have endured your limit, you find more is waiting for you around the next bend. So you take it on and somehow survive. Survivors may even call it empowering. And I suppose when I don't survive that final pain; well, that will be that then.

I don't mean to be dark. My husband teases me for it, calls me his pessimist. But I just like to be in control too much to be let down, I think. Ha!

I have many scars from pain. Some physical, but many you can't see and few even know about. But every time I see one, I am reminded of how it got there, and how I made it through the healing process from open wound to distant memory. But I am okay with my scars because they are just part of my journey. I believe I am who I am, where I am, because of the things that have happened to me in my life. The good, the bad, and the ugly of it all is what makes me, well, the current me.

We are currently learning about control, me in particular, and the serious lack thereof. But I am also learning that there is a great deal I can still control, and those were the things I should have been spending my energy on all along. I am being taught a new way. It is a painful lesson for sure, but a lesson that was needed.

So I guess I am really just writing this for myself, because I am in a bit of a painful spot in my journey these days, like so many people. And I guess that I want to be able to look back and recall the darkness so I can appreciate the light that much more.

I have to say that as much as I might hurt right now, I feel like a clear vision is somehow making its way through for us as a family. For the first time in a long time, I feel like we have an action plan, (with many escape routes, of course). I usually hate the word plan. I learned a long time ago how silly they are, and that life does what life does and you will either bend or break. Maybe we can call it a thought out direction, a series of small goals to obtain in order to reach an ultimate goal that goes far beyond my own power and capabilities.

The pain may be coming in waves right now, but I will ride this one to the end. And I will be better for it.